Epic Battle Royale
So the other day, Jason was making an 8-bit replica of Justin Beiber in Minecraft. It’s a pretty intense game. He decided that he was hungry, so he went to make some mac n cheese. The noodles didn’t cook right, and made him think of your mom’s dusty nipples. He was so disgusted he had to throw it out. He was mad about the noodles so he decided to say screw it and went for a walk. He was listening to Taylor Swift on his cheap ipod knockoff and singing along loudly. Looking up, he noticed a woman coming towards him. She definitely had moves like Jagger, and was sexy and she knew it. Jason decided she must be an alright chick, so he raised his hand in a greeting. The girl then very excitedly pointed at Jason, and yelled something. Since they were still a few blocks away from each other, Jason couldn’t make out what she was saying. So he threw his hands in the air like he just didn’t care and yelled, “Pikachu, I chose YOU!” and ran towards her. Seeing Jason charging, she immediately charged towards him as well. Jason thought he had made a new friend! Yay! When he was only half a block away, he realized with a burning horror that although she had moves like Jagger, she was the undead version of the singer! She was a zombie!! Jason turned and ran, looking for something to defend himself with.
As Jason ran, he looked back to check on the zombie’s progress towards him. It was then that he saw that the zombie was in fact Jaimie, and she had a hundred minions hiding behind her! Jaimie the zombie was far more terrifying than the horde of minions any day. Jason ran and ran until he couldn’t run any more. When they caught up to him, he realized that all of the zombies had dildos as teeth! He knew this had to be a dream, so he pinched himself. He kept pinching until he realized that his luck was really this bad, and it wasn’t a dream after all. The dildo teeth zombies just kept charging. He got on his phone and called Ray. Ray was nearby, and had a bike they could ride together to get away. Ray didn’t believe Jason about the zombies, but agreed to meet him down the street anyways.
When Ray came around the corner to pick up Jason, he saw that it was true that the apocalypse had begun. A vengeance burned in his heart for the zombies, and he sped past Jason and went straight for the legion of the undead. He tried to run them down with his powerful 10 speed, but he discovered that they could shoot sprays of venom! He swerved and maneuvered past their poisonous spit, and circled back around for a second try. He saw his friend Jarott cowering in the corner, and went over to pick him up. But as he got closer, he realized that he was foaming at the mouth. Ray didn’t realize that it was because of the root beer float Jarott had in his hands, and assumed that he was part of the undead. So Ray made a quick decision and whipped his bike around with so much force it cut poor Jarott in half like a grilled cheese sandwich. Ray then grabbed Jarott’s straw and ripped the paperclips out of his immigration papers. He MacGyvered a blow gun out of the straw and gloriously struck down multiple zombies with his arsenal of 200 paperclips to the face.
All the paperclip shrapnel took out most of the zombies, but Jaimie remained. She was a resilient sucker and was impervious to his master paperclip weapon. She glared fiercely at him and roared with a terrifying shriek. She charged forward with her few remaining comrades. Ray tried to take them on, but he had run out of paperclips. He was defenseless! Jason looked on in horror as the zombies took down his mighty hero. They tore through Ray’s flesh like a soggy Twinkie. After they polished him off, they turned towards Jason. Horrified, he turned and ran. But the delicious flesh had rejuvenated them and they just got faster. They were catching up! Each time Jason turned around, Jaimie’s beady zombie eyes glistened in the streetlights as she closed in on her prey.
Just when Jason thought all hope was lost, he heard a glorious Tarzan yell full of ambition and testosterone. Jason knew there was a new hero at hand! He turned and ran towards the yell, and was surprised when a nearby shrubbery popped out at him! It was a warrior in a ghillie suit. The brave soul pulled off his head covering, and lo and behold, it was Ryan! He winked at Jason and charged off towards the zombies, yelling as he went.
Ryan danced like Tinkerbelle, and it seemed to mesmerize the zombies. The more he ballet-ed around, the more asleep they seemed to be. His secret weapon was working! He fluttered around and yanked out their dildo teeth. That was their weakness! They began dropping like flies as he de-toothed as many as he could. Then he came upon the monster Zombie Jaimie had been protecting. This zombie was taller than all the other zombies combined. He had been stooped over to look like several smaller ones. Even when Ryan jumped as high as he could, he couldn’t reach the teeth of this zombie. He became scared and decided to try another weapon he had learned. He started to sing. He belted out the theme song to Diff’rent Strokes, but to no avail. He began to quake as the monster zombie closed in.
Just then, in a flash of light, Tonji the warrior appeared! She yelled, “Stop, you Fairy!” Confused, Ryan twirled around, but it was too late. Tonji proceeded to rip off a zombie’s head and beat Ryan to death with it LIKE A BOSS. She needed to stop him! She knew that fairyness could spread to the zombies if it wasn’t stopped. No one needs fairy zombies running around, as they are mighty and powerful.
Just then, Ray appeared! The zombies had missed one of his fingers somehow, and he reconstituted himself after a 45 minutes and 17 seconds. No one knew why, but those last 17 seconds were crucial. But he had the warrior genes like Tonji. Ray and Tonji looked at each other and as their eyes met, they knew they now meant business. Zombie heads and teeth went flying in every direction. They were not about to let any part of the zombies touch them, especially the hair, since it seemed to cause severe and untreatable acne. Suddenly Tonji had the realization: Since Ray had been eaten, he should be a zombie! But since he had reconstituted, she was unsure of what that meant. All she knew was that he was saving the world from dildo toothed killers. She decided that she would let him live…for now.
Ray whipped out his Colgate toothpaste and started chewing on the tube. He got a nice lather going, and then spewed the minty fresh spray all over the zombies. Their dildo teeth couldn’t handle the mintiness, and they all perished. As Super Ray and Wonder Warrior Tonji stood atop the steaming pile of carcasses, thinking that the battle was done….
Suddenly the mother ship of evil vampires appeared! Ray and Tonji strapped on their goggles and slugged a beer in a toast to another out of this world battle. They grabbed fistfuls of the leftover dildos and quickly sharpened them with the edges of their red solo cups. They looked at each other and let out a holler as the first wave of vampires came down, and they stabbed them in the hearts with the dildo shanks they had made. Off in the distance, the humans cowered, hopeful that their heroes would save them once again. All they could hear were the final yells of the slain, Tonji yelling “BRING IT!” and Ray screaming, “LIKE A BOSS!”